William's Wonderful World - the return from Down Under

Ok, so hello.

I thought I should maybe explain where I have been for the past 23days or so. This post in not about a Random Act of Kindness, so if you don’t want to listen to my very self-centered story about me and my trip, check back tomorrow and you can read about a RAOK.

Righto, I have been in Melbourne, and for those who don’t know, that’s in Australia. Many thought I would end up straight in Penal Colony, and considering the goods I was transferring I possibly could have.

Anyhow, I got in with no problem. Well, I did end up in a quarantine room asking why I have got a stuffed dog with me. Thankfully, they didn’t cut open Pat and check the insides. There was nothing stuffed in him I would like to add. I just wouldn’t want to see Pat being violated like that.

Enough about Pat though. I was working at the Melbourne International Comedy Festival. An installation I work for took over the bizarre public space of Federation Square. I production manage a theatrical maze. It is pretty magical. It draws on stories from Greek myth to old English children’s books, and invites you to join their world and take part in creating the story. It is like falling down the rabbit hole and entering a new world. Enough of the lar-de-dar arty farty talk. So we took over Federation Square for the best part of a month, and quite frankly made it a better place. Here is a picture of the maze standing proud on a 2m high stage. What a beauty.

(Obviously it is closed, normally we have queues longer than those for Madame Tussauds - Ya' get me)

Everyday we did two shows and had over 1000 people a day. Pretty good I think. During our two and a half hour lunch break we would unwind with a crackin’ game of dotmaze cricket. The rules are slightly different to normal cricket. Chairs were used as fielders, -oh and the porter loo. Each batter received an over for each player. Sometimes we had 5 people on the field, depending on the amount of live players we would remove some of the static fielders, (i.e. the chairs). It was immense. The Artistic director Stompy holds the current record, he nearly made it to the half century on 48. I think I bowled him out.

Anyhow, it was an extremely busy month, and the only thing that kept me sane there was this lovely girl called Mary. Mary is from Plymouth, but found the love of her life out there, Benny. So she packed up her bags and moved out there to go and spend a little time with him. Mary, her friend Christine and I lounged about on the sofa, watching AFL, AAAAOOOOOing, eating Tim Tams (they are an Australian version of Penguins basically) and discussing the different saying Australians and English people have. No dramas. That has to be my favourite one. Oh and Far out! Like everything is Far out!

“What are you eating for lunch to day Will?”

“Oh I don’t know, maybe a Jam sandwich.” (being English and all)

“FAAAAR Ouuut!!”

“Is this a Maze?”

“Yes, it is indeed”

“FAAAAR OUUUT!”

It’s incredible. They’re amazed by everything.

Well, it became time for me to leave, with my new found love of Tim Tams, and still not quite understanding the difference between schooners and pots… I bade fair well to my new best friend Mary and began the epic journey that it is to get back to English soil and smell the roses.

And here I am now. Still wearing my  bonds bluey that I bought, longing to be back with Mary in Melbourne. But one must move on and up in the world. So to help me make the transition back I thought I best update my little blog that has been left untouched for far to long. This post is to blow off the cobwebs and grease the wheels. A bit of an MOT, make sure everything is in working order ready to hit the grind stone again and make the rest of the journey through my epic book.

Talking about the epic book. I received an awesome surprise when I got home. A signed copy of the book from Danny boy Wallace himself.

“William! I am loving your wonderful world! Keep up the excellent work!”

Pretty cool hey. I think he even put a little kiss on there… hmm Hey Danny, how’s it going? Kiss kiss xx

Check it out for yourself.

He could have sent me another book though. I mean thanks and all Danny but I’ve already got that one. You don’t need more than one copy of the same book. Hah! Naaar I’m only joshing, it was an awesome gift and thank you Dom for facilitating it.

So this is the end of my self-centered little account of my ‘working’ holiday. I hope you can find it within yourselves to forgive me for abandoning my blog and once again join me in my wonderful world. That would be awesome. Maybe to give me a little extra kick up the derriere you could each introduce a new friend to my blog and get them to say hello. I will therefore have to bring my ‘A game’ for tomorrows Random Act of Kindness to keep up with demand and insure I am worthy of their following.

Nice one. No Dramas.

G'day mate, it's spring cleaning time.

So you know last night I said I was going to offer an unsolicited pint? Well, I would have done if I had remembered my wallet. Yeah, I went to the pub and forgot it. What a fool. Because it’s such a great local, it turns out I was offered the unsolicited pint.

It’s take two tonight people.

Well then, today’s Random Act of Kindness, No. 46 – Buy an old Lady a Hat.

Ok, this sounds like a wonderful idea. Old ladies love hats. But. Yes there is a but. I didn’t buy an old lady a hat today. Instead, today I did various RAOK’s for people who needed it. I am not saying an old lady doesn’t need a hat. She most certainly probably does.

Anyhow my first RAOK of the day was to help clean my sister in-laws new house. They have just started renting it and it is in a bit of a state.

I was woken up by my mother this morning at 7.00am, asking me to help Ida clean the house. Oh how lovely it was to be woken up with that good news. I did duly get out of my pit and fall down the stairs into the kitchen. I swung the front door open and walked a grand 20 meters to their new house. I donned my rubber gloves and started cleaning. It was a serious spring clean jobby. You know, windows open, buckets of warm soapy water, splashing it everywhere. After the living room, both bedrooms, and kitchen were done, there was only one room left. Yep – the dreaded bathroom. Now, I am not going to go into too much detail here, not because I don’t think you will enjoy it, because, I do not want to relive that moment ever, ever again.

After witnessing what I did in that bathroom, I am scared for life. It was horrific. I got home jumped straight into the shower and nearly brought the bottle of domestos in with me.

After spring-cleaning myself, I was relaxing reading the newspaper in the kitchen with a brew. My phone starts ringing, “William’s Wish Wellingtons”, yes that is my ringtone! It was Yvonne from the Peacock. She needed a strong man to help her lift out an old cooker and replace it with a new one. Obviously the first person that popped into her head was Me. Well, can you blame her!! I hopped in my car and drove down to the pub.

The gun show was on people! Joined by Harry, Robin, and Tom, we whipped that cooker out and a new one popped in in no time. It was a slick operation. Well actually, we did have to take the back door to the kitchen off, oh and the sink out… yeah and the cooker door off, so maybe not so slick. Nonetheless, job well done I believe.

I was on the receiving end of an RAOK today as well. I am flying to Melbourne tomorrow. I only found this out today. Well not exactly. I knew I was going to Melbourne but I thought I was leaving on Saturday. I had the shock of my life today. Yeah ok, it is only one day earlier but I have a lot I need to do. Mainly all my washing. When I found out it was tomorrow, I jumped up and threw a load of my clothes in the washing machine, only to find out it has broken. I rang up the Shortt family who live up the road and asked if I could use their washing machine. They very kindly said yes. So thank you Shortts.

So yes tomorrow I am off to Melbourne for a month. I am working over there at the International comedy festival. My flight it tomorrow night, and I arrive in Melbourne at the crack of dawn on Sunday morning. 5.00am. Whilst I am over there I fully intend to keep up with my RAOK’s and updating my blog. However, for the first couple of days, I might be a bit late updating it, but, when I get on top of things, and get used to being upside down, my blog will be uploaded everyday as per usual. Keep checking back for updates though. I am sure, as I am working at a comedy festival my RAOK’s will go down a treat.

In the mean time, keep smiling, spreading love, peace and happiness to everyone.

Peace and Love \ / 

All we hear is, Radio ga ga, Radio goo goo

I was on the Radio today! Yes I was. A couple of bad things happened. One, I told all my friends the wrong Radio Station… oops. And secondly, I didn’t do any shameless promotion. I forgot to mention the address for my blog! Darn, better luck next time son.

I think I also inadvertently completed a RAOK that is coming up later in the book, Smile at the speed camera. I don’t think I was quite smiling it was more open mouthed shouting a word beginning with F…

Fudge of course.

I will class that as my practice run. I will be prepared for when the day comes now.

Random Act of ­Kindness No.44 – Choose a Local shop instead of a supermarket. (Unless you are a shoplifter)

Well I am not a shoplifter, so I don’t have to worry about that. And secondly, I have been brought up in an area where you have no choice other than to use local shops. Yesterday morning, I took some time out from my University work and went over to Talton Mill Farm Shop, to buy some vegetables for the fam. This is local shopping at its best! The farm shop sells all its own produce, which are grown just meters away in the field. It is truly awesome. My whole family are regulars there. We go over several times a week to get some crackin’ fresh veg.

Because this RAOK was pretty much part of my everyday life, I thought I should step up my game for today’s RAOK.

Random Act of Kindness No. 45 – Hide a complimentary note in a book in the library.

And no, don’t worry this didn’t result in any form of vandalism, which the woman on the Radio suggested it might. I very cleverly used my brain and wrote the note on a piece of paper. I didn’t just leave one note, ohhhhh no. I left four. Yes I did!

Now I came up with three, or should I say, I came up with two, and Emily (the wonderful person who suggested I made posters saying, “Smile, today wasn’t so bad”) came up with the other. The fourth and final one was suggested by the landlady in my local pub, the Peacock in Oxhill.

So, without further ado, here are the pictures of my complimentary notes.

First up we have the regular, “Smile, today wasn’t so bad”

Next in line, “Everything will be alright”

Coming in 3^rd place “You’re amazing, remember that.” (A Bruno Mars song comes to my head now).

Fourth and finally, suggested by the landlady and bar staff at the Peacock, “No… your bum doesn’t look big in that”.

Well there we have it. The four musketeers of complimentary notes.

If anyone is interested in listening to the interview I did on BBC West Midlands, have a listen here… William's Wonderful Radio Show!

I am going to pop down the pub tonight to complete RAOK No.46, which is offer, an unsolicited pint to a stranger. So if anyone fancies a free beer, then head down to the Peacock in Oxhill tonight and you might just get lucky.

Happy days!

They love a bit of...park life

­­­­­Random Act of Kindness No. 43 Give a kite to a father and son in the park.

So pop quiz time.

How much do you think a kite costs these days?

How about a ‘power kite?’ (whatever one of those is, seems popular though).

Well let me tell you…

I was in Oxford today, meeting up with a good friend of mine, Polly for lunch. On my way back to the car after lunch, I stopped off at a ‘clown shop’ it wasn’t a clown shop but sold all sorts of juggling, uni-cycle, and other clown-like things. The only kites they sold in there were ‘power kites’. Now this excited me. A ‘power kite’ what on earth can you do with one of those? Will it pull you off terra firma and soar you into the heavens? Well judging by the price tag I would hope it would take me to the moon. £108.99, yeah. Some ‘power kite’ that must have been. This shop didn’t sell any bog standard kites, so I called it a day and left.

When I got home, I gave my friend Ellie, a call and asked if she fancied helping me with a RAOK and meeting me in town. I met up with her for a cappuccino before we tackled this RAOK head on. We decided Argos was probably a good place to start for a standard kite type-flying thing… To my horror once again, ‘power kites’ seemed to be the order of the day. They did sell a low range ‘power kite’ but that was still £30.00. I am going to need to set up a justgiving page to help pay for these RAOK’s. They are breaking my already very broken bank.

We needed to brainstorm. I was in the pub last night and I was being told off for changing some of the RAOK’s. So I was determined not to alter todays, however, I am sorry guys, I just had to.  I couldn’t afford a kite, I had to down grade to something else that can be enjoyed in a park.

PING – there it was.

RAOK No. 43 (Will’s way) Give a Frisbee to a father and son in the park.

That is a reasonable substitute I think. It is like swapping Toby Flood, for Jonny Wilkinson. It’s pretty darn good. So with Frisbee in hand we hit the recreation ground, in Stratford-Upon-Avon, opposite the theatre. We meandered around the park and encountered another issue. There were no fathers and sons playing. There were teenage boys, pumping with testosterone kicking footballs and each other, hormonal girls walking around in extremely short skirts, and the odd couple of people enjoying a picnic. Ok time to adapt the RAOK again…sooorrrrry

RAOK No.43 (Will’s way 2) Give a Frisbee to a group of jolly people enjoying a picnic.

Crackin’.

I approached a group of girls with my nice English smile and offered them the Frisbee. I think they were on holiday, doing a bit of traveling, but they looked like they were doing it in style. They had an immense picnic, massive lumps of cheese, empty wine bottles, olives, crackers, the lot. I nearly asked if I could stay. I did refrain though and instead gave them the link to my blog. They were three lovely girls and I managed to get a little snap with them.

About 30 minutes later, after Ellie and I had had a little summery drink, we walked back through the rec. and saw the three girls playing Frisbee. It was awesome.

So girls, if you do have a look at my blog, leave a comment and let me know if the Frisbee was any good.

Groovey. It was a great site seeing the trio playing with the Frisbee I had just given them. It made me believe they actually appreciated it rather than just think I was a loony English guy, which quite a few people think I am!!

So, to round things up, a standard kite £30.00. Perhaps shop around a bit. Some places might sell them cheaper than Argos. A ‘power kite’ depending on size but roughly 120cm one is £108.99. Again shop around and seek advice if you have any questions.

Very good. Thank you for all the comments and support. It’s good to know you are enjoying this.

The rise of Star William Francis

Random Act of Kindness No.42 – Offer some handy advice to a tourist.

In recent times, I have become a real believer in fate, kismet, serendipity or whatever one may call it. And today really supported my new found faith in fate.

As you are all aware, I am not in London at the moment. University has wound down for Easter, and I go to Australia on Saturday, therefore, spending some quality time with my rents, and the bros before I go. I was therefore slightly concerned about todays RAOK. Not many tourists pass through my quiet village. I thought I would venture into Stratford-Upon-Avon and help out the thousands or tourists that flood the apparent ‘world-class’ town.

But as luck would have it, whilst I tucked into my bacon, egg, and black pudding sandwhich, someone came onto the drive and knocked on the door. I wasn’t going to budge, as the likely hood is it won’t be for me and be for one of my older brothers. But as the youngest, there are some things you just have to do. All my older brothers sat around the table looking at me waiting for me to get up and go. And well, of course I did.

I held the dogs back and opened the door. “Hello hello”.

“Oh hello, sorry to bother you on a Sunday morning but do you know where corner croft is?”

Hang on. Let me think about this. “so, as you asked me where this place is you don’t know right?”

“yeeees”

“Right, so I could call you a tourist as you are visiting the area, right?”

“ermmmm, yes I suppose”

“Crackin’, yeah I know where it is” I proceeded to give him a blow by blow description of where it is. Told him about all the potholes in the road, and the good spots to stop to get a good view. Corner croft is only 2 minutes away in a car but still. I thought I would do my best at offering some handy advice to a ‘tourist’.

“You’re a star. Thank you so much”

A star? I only told you where a house is, where two potholes in the road are, and one viewing point on the way, but hey I will accept that. Star William Francis. That has a nice ring to it, I like it.

Awesome. RAOK No. 42 complete. I am nearly at half a century. What can I do to celebrate making it that far? Hmmm.

Tickets, tickets. So many tickets yet so little time.

Random Act of Kindness No. 41 – If you can’t make it to a gig – don’t waste the ticket. Give it to a stranger.

As much as I wish I did, I don’t have any tickets for a gig. When I opened my book up on Saturday morning, I was kinda stumped as to what to do. Over a cup of coffee I mulled some ideas over in my head. I figured I needed to give something away, that I would use but not today.

I took my cup of coffee outside to get some inspiration from the country air. And there is was, I got it! My chickens came up to me and started scratching around me feet. Ah ha, perfect. I can collect half a dozen eggs, stand out on the road and wait for a car to come by. When a car does, stop it and give them the eggs.

Random Act of Kindness No.41 (Wills way) Give half a dozen eggs to a passerby.

Now not many cars go down our road, so the likely hood is, I will either be waiting here for a while or someone will pass who I know, which would be a shame. Nonetheless still a kind thing. After hovering in the road for about 10, 15 minutes I heard a car coming in the distance. This was my moment.

I stood firm in the middle of the road, going against every thing I have been taught in my childhood. “William get out of the road”, “William always look before you go across road”, “William get on the grass verge”, that’s what my mother used to shout at me every time I went out the door.

Sorry mum, not this time. I am going to do whatever I want. So I was standing there with this car hurtling up towards me. Well I say hurtling, it was probably only going about 30 MPH, but when you are standing out in the road that feels rather fast I have to say.

Like a lollipop lady, I stuck my hand out to stop the car. The guy in the car stopped and put down his window. “Everything all right?” said the guy in the car. He could clearly see I was slightly worried, but most probably didn’t know it was because I didn’t think he was going to stop.

“Yes, yes, everything is crackin’ sir. Would you like some eggs?”

“If everything is Crackin’ do I really want these eggs? Are they cracked? Ha ha haaa”

Yeah he got me there. Nice one.

I assured him they weren’t cracked and I had just collected them from my chickens this morning. He was very chuffed with the offer, so much so he pulled his car to the side of the road and hopped out for a nice picture with me. Marvelous.

Here is the picture.

Gold Joinee Abad, has requested that if any of my RAOK-receivers’ comment on my blog I update you all. And of course I will do. I have also had a request from a guy called Matt for a watch. I am in the process of organising to meet up with Matt and hand the watch over to him in person. I will be sure to keep you all updated and get a picture.

Very good, happy days.

You've got to scratch it, and match it, and spin it around

Random Act of Kindness No. 40 but meant to be 39 – Buy a scratch card and hand it to a stranger.

Proper string vest weather outside today wasn’t it. Summer ventilation. Sadly I didn’t have mine on.

So I popped into the bright lights today of Stratford-Upon-Avon to have a cup of coffee with my maarmy. My trip started off exceptionally well. When I was climbing out my car this lovely young woman came and gave me a parking ticket. She said she had just bought it but can’t stay anymore so gave it to me. Amazing! It was nice to be on the receiving end of a RAOK. I asked if I could have a picture with her but I think she thought I was coming onto her. She said she ‘REALLY has to go, sorry”, never mind. Here is a picture of the ticket any.

On my way back I stopped off and bought a scratch card. It was the first time I have ever bought one. I felt like I should be buying a can of special brew at the same time. Sorry that is probably very rude and stereotypical of me. Because it was my first time I felt like an underage teenager trying to buy alcohol. I didn’t really know what to ask for, or which one I should be buying.

I opted for the one with a chance of winning £250,000. Thinking big. Just imagine if the guy I gave it to won. It would be incredible. The way my day was going so far it was certainly possible. I’m the eternal optimist. I parted with two golden nuggets and walked out of the shop. I spotted this man queuing up at the cash point. What grabbed my attention was his crackin’ beard. I have a bit of a thing for beards. I’m not manly enough to grow one, so anyone who does have one I am very jealous of.

I approached the bearded gentleman and asked if he would like a free scratch card. He accepted and I grabbed a quick picture with him.

He claimed he didn’t know what to do with it. He said “ I tend just to scratch all the stuff but don’t think you’re meant to do that are you? It’s like popping bubble wrap, quite addictive”. Yeah mate just like gambling. Now I don’t know if he genuinely didn’t know what to do with the scratch card or whether he was a gambling addict and just trying to cover it up. I don’t think he was though.

I stood by his side just in case he won and I could ask for some of the winnings… he scratched the bits off he was meant to and sadly – nothing! He didn’t win a penny.

Winning isn’t everything, it’s the taking part that counts. Hmmmm yeah right. Sorry Pedro, if you’re not first you’re last!

Anyhow, I had a nice chat with this lovely gentleman in the sunshine and told him about my blog. I finally allowed him to carry on with his daily antics and get his money out the cash point he was waiting for.

Lipstick, Reggae, and Jedward, who would have put those three together? ...me

Random Act of Kindness No. 39, but meant to be 40 – Buy an unpopular CD single.

It turns out I can’t count. Or read a book. I have accidently skipped a RAOK and hopped to number 40. But no fear, Will is here, so I will just swap them around and do the one I was meant to do today tomorrow. Ya get me?

Whilst I was in the holy city of Stratford-Upon-Avon, Shakespeare’s land I popped into a record store. As I went in I felt rather nostalgic, I haven’t been in a record store in years. And it turns out no one does. I walked to the back of the shop where the CD singles used to be but it was replaced with some funky technologically advanced game consoles, you know the ones – where you stand about in front of a TV screen waving your arms and flinging your legs about and suddenly the little caricature of yourself moves on the screen. Yeah those things. From floor to roof it was filled with them.

Well I had to go and seek some advice. I headed to the counter and asked for the singles chart. The funky girl in the store with a pink streak in her hair and a nose ring pointed me in the right direction. I couldn’t believe my eyes. Now it’s not just me but the singles chart used to be massive right? Well not any more. In the record store they only stock the top 7 singles in the chart. The rest is all done online. Crazy beans.

Well my mission was to buy an unpopular single to support their talent. This just wasn’t possible. The next stage in this pained me sooooooo much. I decided I would at least have to buy the most unpopular single they stock in the store. And do you know who that was? Jedward. Yeah, they are number 7, apparently!

Now bless Jedwards hearts. If they enjoy doing what they are doing then that is great, but I try and stay away from all this hyped up, talentless tat that gets pumped out into society. But I just couldn’t avoid it today. Today was going to be the day I joined in with the masses and gave the commercial machine of Sony and Universal records some money. £2.99 in fact. That’s a pound a track. But, all the tracks are the same, track 2 is slightly longer, and well I think I got a duff CD, on track 3 there are no lyrics. It turns out Jedward, with this single I have just bought are representing Ireland in the 2011 Eurovision. Well crickey if they get more than ‘nil point’ I will jump out of a plane naked. But perhaps with a parachute.

I got in my car and put the CD in quite excited actually to hear what it sounded like. I lasted 25 seconds and had to turn it off. I just couldn’t bear it. So when I got home I whipped my computer out and headed onto the iTunes store and purchased the first song I had never heard of. Number 157 down the list I came across, Gyptian – Hold you. You beauty no need for the 30second preview lets buy that. And you know what, it is pretty darn cool. Crackin’.

After looking this Gyptian up, it turns out he has been around a bit, cranking out some reggae. Nice one, that is a good find.

Here is a picture of the Jedward CD, and a screen print of Gyption, Hold you.

Let us dance in the sun, wearing wild flowers in our hair. Spring is here

Random Act of Kindness No. 38 – plant a flower in your neighbours garden without them knowing.

As you know by now, I am at my parents house in sunny Warwickshire, and in the little settlement where they live there is not many neighbours. So I decided to head out of my village and over the hill to a nearby village with a friend. Before I stopped off at a house and dropped my plant off we went to the local pub for a bit of Dutch courage, or, in my case, Cornish courage. I had a pint of the finest Cornish Ale, Tribute. It was B-E-A-Utiful.

Before it was too late we left the pub and found a house close enough to the road with a porch light on in the hope it would help my amateur camerawomen capture it. Sadly, not due to poor camera work, thank you Elizabeth for your help, but due to poor light you cant see it very well. Nonetheless you do see me run up to the house, ding on the doorbell and then run off.

I left a little note inside the pot with my blog address on in the hope they will have a look on here.

Here is the picture and video.

Nice one.

I’m seriously struggling being stuck out in the middle of no-where with horrendous Internet trying to upload videos etc to my blog, so I’m sorry I have been extremely late in uploading my posts.

I thought the Internet here was as bad as it gets, however, I got sent an email today, from a friend in Malawi, Effie – she has been looking at my blog, but the Internet is so poor out there it won’t even upload the videos. So from now on, every time I upload a video I will give a little heads up and write a synopsis of what is in it. Sound good?

Crackin’, beautiful day today wasn’t it! Let’s hope it sticks around.

Better late than never... that's what my mummy always told me

So, I finished this video at 17.00 today. It has taken until now to upload it due to poor, poor Internet connection. I am sorry.

Anyhow, have a look at the video and enjoy.

I just phoned to say... thank you

A-up, it's time for RAOK No. 34. Have a look at the video and see what it was.

Nice one.

Have a good weekend.

"Don't cry because it is over, Smile because it happened" Dr. Seuss

Random Act of Kindness No. 33 – Listen to someone’s problem without immediately comparing it to one of your own.

I arrived at University today soaked to the bone. The heavens certainly opened up this morning in London. I was chatting to a couple of my friends before the lecture, and I told them about my RAOK, and if anyone wants to chat about their problems and have an ear to listen give me a shout.

No more than two minutes later we were on the topic of debt, and the ‘joys’ of being overdrawn. I threw my two pence worth in and said how much overdrawn I was. The conversation stopped and they all looked at me.

Balls – I had just compared their problems to mine. How could I do that? Ridiculous, I had been chatting for only a couple of minutes and already I had failed. I decided to give up and unleashed my fury and poured my heart out about how poor I was, and how I don’t have enough money for this months rent that I have to pay on the 23^rd. They did a far better job at just listening than I did.

After the lecture I had a phone call. It was from a friend who is having certain boy issues. This friend is female. I am going to call her Doris. Obviously this isn’t her real name but as she had confided in me I won’t give away her name. Now this is something I am pretty sure I won’t have any trouble comparing it to my own problem, as I have no significant other. I am, however, in an open relationship on Facebook, and this is with a boy, so perhaps this is deterring all the beautiful girls that stalk my page everyday. I know you are out there…

Well Doris seems to have a way with picking the bad apple so to speak. Her last boyfriend was well, a bit of a weirdo. I didn’t ever see what Doris did in him!! Since that one, Doris has been taking a bit of a back seat and just waiting to see what happens.

Recently she has met this other guy. He is on her course and was apparently really nice. They hung out together, and did what one does when courting shall I say. Doris and this guy who I will call Andre went official. Facebook official even, now that is a statement. Everything was going swimmingly. But then I got this phone call.

Doris was on the other end sounding rather up set. I asked what the problem was and she said Andre, he just ended things with me. “Ohhh dear, what happened? Tell William, I am all ears” I had to put that in there. Well it turns out Andre gave her as she put it, “the whole, you’re amazing, I really like you, but I can’t speech”. You know how it goes, ‘it’s not you, it’s me’. What a douche. She blamed herself and said she had been a fool. I told her not to blame herself. Blame your geographical position. “You’re up north, it’s not your fault” (I don’t mean to offend any Northerners, it was purely trying to make her feel better).

I was all ears and then tried to give her some advice. I did explain, I’m probably not best qualified for this considering my current single status, nonetheless, I persisted. I assured her, that it is not the end of the world and there will be someone else out there. This Andre is clearly not worth it. I then came out with this corker, “don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened”. Now, I heard this saying from a doctor I saw. I had a broken arm and was at the hospital for a check up. My girlfriend had just gone off to University and dumped me. I was what I thought heart broken. He could tell I was upset and asked what the problem was, he clearly knew that it wasn’t my arm. So I told him, he sat back in his chair and with great wisdom said, “as the great Dr. Suess once said,” and then came out with that quote. It has stuck in my head ever since and I left the hospital with a smile on face. From one doctor to another hey.

This was the perfect opportunity to whip out that bad boy. So I did. Doris’ response was perfect. “You know what, you’re right, you’re so right. Since when have you become so wise”. Well I didn’t let her into my little secret but I guess if she reads this she will know.

This RAOK, made me feel great. I had successfully not compared someone’s problem to my own, and I actually managed to deliver some advice successfully.

All in all, what a result.

Crushing ones 'passion fruits'

Random Act of Kindness No. 32 – Give your old watch to someone who doesn’t have one.

Ok first thing – look outside it is still light (at 17.40 anyway) how amazing is that. The long evenings are nearly upon us. You beauty!

Secondly, please someone tell me who owns a watch these days? Surely nobody. Everyone has a mobile that has a clock on it, or are like me and can tell the time by looking at the sun.

As a result of, one me not owning a watch or even having an old one I could give away, and two I’m sure no one has a watch these days, I decided to politely shelve this RAOK. I instead thought I would do another RAOK.

I was at Borough Market this morning having a little wander round, and a munch on the free tasters; there was this amazing fruit stall I was standing at for a while. It was pretty exotic. I saw some Passion fruits and I know my housemate has a serious addiction to Passion fruits and she is always buying them by the bucket load. I bought her three of the finest Passion fruits. Well, judging by my knowledge on a good and bad Passion fruit. I then thought to myself. Why don’t I buy a couple of my housemate’s favourite things and take them back for her as my RAOK.

So,

Random Act of Kindness No, 32 – spoil your housemates with a couple of their favourite things and surprise them.

I meandered off to her next favourite thing, Olives. I stood at the olive stall having a wee taste, and then came across an immense combination of Olive, Garlic and Jalapeno. Now those who know my housemate will know she has a serious fetish for Jalapenos. Killing two birds with one stone as it were, Olives and Jalapenos in one. I asked for a little tub of those corkers. I also splashed out on myself and got distracted by the smell of sausages so bought myself some lunch, an immense ciabatta with 2 wild bore sausage and a rocket salad with a ‘drizzle’ of cranberry, and red wine sauce. Hmmmm. After consuming that I needed to head home for a wee lie down, so started the walk back. I got onto the Old Kent Rd and thought I would get a bus back from there.

When I arrived back at the Peckham Palace I went to my housemates room and told her I had something for her. I told her she would have to play a game to get the prize. We played hide and seek. I hid and she had to seek. I told her to count to 100 and then come and find me.

I had an amazing hiding place, in the empty cupboard in the kitchen. I hopped in and closed the door. After what felt to me like 10 minutes, I had to get out. My leg was cramping up from being wrapped around my head. I gracefully flopped out of the cupboard and had to seek refuge somewhere else. I then heard the words no ‘hider’ wants to hear when in an open hallway with no cracks or crevasses to slip into. “READY OR NOT…HERE I COME”, come to think of it, I don’t know if they are ever-nice words to hear.

My adrenalin started flowing, my fight or flight mode had kicked in. I chose flight. I made a run for it to the sitting room. As I careered down the hall way drifting around the piles of girls shoes, round the chicane, I did it. I did the dive. You know the dive. The dive of all dives. The ones you see in films as the beautiful girl and the rough looking man in a tight black t-shirt, slightly soiled from punching men in suits and rolling on the gravel dive for safety from an explosion. Oh yeah. It was that kind of dive. Suddenly I was in slow motion flying through the air aiming for the tiny crack behind the back of the sofa. It was beautiful.

Life as quick as it slowed down sped up again and seemed to double in speed. This wasn’t good. The arm of the sofa was going to hit me somewhere where any man would never want an arm of a sofa to hit them. Ya’ get me?

As I squirmed, holding back the tears, and most of all the scream that only happens when a sofa arm hits a man where any man would never want to be hit,  my housemate strolled into the room.

“well that was as easy as trying to find a cat in a cattery” Yeah thanks, please don’t talk to me until certain parts of my anatomy have fallen and have left my rib cage. After I collected myself I stood up and looked in the mirror. My eyes were as blood shot as man who has been on the ‘bizzo’ all night.

I think hide and seek from now on should be classed as a dangerous sport. Obviously, the prize that was in my hand through this whole ordeal was now sprawled  all over the sitting room floor. One of the Passion fruits took one for the team and ended up underneath me after the rough landing. I collected the remaining two Passion fruits and Olives and with a smile handed them to my housemate. Even after a slightly traumatic delivery she was still exceptionally pleased with them. Her eyes lit up the room, and a smile from ear to ear spread across her face. That after all, made me feel very happy.

Here is a little picture of what was left. 

So to round this up.

If anyone wants a new watch, get in touch with me and I will buy you one. Secondly, it is always nice buying a surprise gift for your housemates. But finally and most importantly, please, when playing hide and seek take appropriate safety precautions. Thank you.

I need to go and get some ice… peace and love.

Forgive and forget

Random Act of Kindness No. 31 – Forgive someone.

Ok, so I hardly ever hold a grudge against someone for very long. I’m a bit of a lover not a hater!

However, talking over a brew with Talulah at her house, she got me to lie on her sofa and close my eyes. She played soft sounds of the sea breeze and waves rolling in. Half an hour later she snapped her fingers whipped me back to reality. Little did I know deep down in my subconscious I still held a grudge, against someone who I went to primary school with 14 years ago.

Back then in school we had a competition to design the front cover over of a book we were making about the little village where my school was. The village was called Ettington. I had developed at the time, what I thought to be, an amazing idea with my 3 older brothers. The title was ‘Ettington Frenzy’. I thought it was very clever as my understanding of ‘Frenzy’ at the time was, wild excitement and was kind of naughty, which, we all were at primary school. I also thought it was a play on words of friends, “these are my frenzies!” is what I used to call my friends – yeah…I was supercool.

So I let my artistic juices flow and came up with this awesome design. My Friend A*** G****** (I don’t think I should say his name, but they are his initials) asked to see my design. I was very keen to show him, as I was very proud of it. I whipped it out of my satchel and showed him. On Friday, the hand in day, he was very secretive about his design and handed it in without showing it to me. I thought nothing of it and carried on with my day as usual, playing hopscotch and kiss and chase in the playground.

Well my world was going to be tipped inside out and upside down after the weekend. The winner was announced. When the teacher read out the name I was disappointed but as a gallant young boy, I was pleased for my friend “Well done A***, you have won” said my teacher, Mrs. Edwards. When she held up his design my world caved in. Not only had I not won (and yes, secretly I was very competitive) but A*** G****** had copied my design. Yes copied it. Not only had he copied it he had even used the same title. Can you believe that?

So, since primary school I have never seen A*** G****** and nor have I forgiven him for copying my design. Since he betrayed and copied me, I have adapted his secretive approach to work, and I hate showing my work to other people, or even discussing it until I get my results back in the fear someone might copy my ideas again.

Yes I have been permanently scared for life because of this.

However, today I have decided to overcome this and forgive Mr G******. I searched high and low on Facebook, Twitter, and every other social networking site I could think of. I came across this man who fits his description, so decided to send him a message on Facebook. Here is this message.

So I feel a massive weight off my shoulders that I did not know was there after doing that. Amazing. I recommend digging deep into your subconscious and forgiving someone also. Feels goooood.

parting with money and blood...

Before I get into todays Random Act of Kindness lets just take a few steps back to RAOK No. 20. Give Blood.

Well today I had my appointment to pump out 450 ml of the finest hemoglobin. This is no ordinary blood. It is high quality premium stuff with a street value in the thousands.

I headed to the back of Rye Lane Chapel at 15.20 with two friends for moral support, Talulah and Rose. I was quite disappointed to start off with because the first woman was very rude to me. I felt like I was doing a good thing. So a little smile and pleasantries wouldn’t have gone a miss.

Nonetheless, I tried to strike up a conversation with the other nurses and lighten up the atmosphere. It was pretty brutal in there. Everyone was either sitting on chairs in lines waiting or lying on beds like it was the last thing they were going to do.

I went off and had my finger pricked to make sure I had enough iron in my blood. I am happy to say, after my rare steak last night, and pate for breakfast I passed that test with flying colours. I asked the nurse who was pricking my finger if she would mind if I recorded it on my phone. Golly gosh, it was like I asked her to lick the blood off my finger. In no certain terms I was told “NO!” I decided to understand this as, no I don’t mind, so I proceeded to get my phone and to start recording. She nearly stabbed me in the eye with her little finger pricking device. I timidly put my phone back away in my pocket.

I was then ushered off to another waiting area where I was provided with a pint of water. I’m going to need a half time on the blood supplying if you make me drink all this… when the nurses back was turned I tipped it into the slops bucket (I’m sure they have a proper word for it like the discard vessel), however, that’s what I called it.

Moving swiftly on, I was popped on a bed and my arm was sanitised, Talulah told them they would need more than that to clean me up. Don’t know what you are on about there sweetcheeks.

Luckily this time I had a very friendly nurse called Marie. She chatted to me and made it all jolly. The needle was stuffed in my arm and I started pumping out some high quality C738H1166N812O203S2Fe (or in other words the red stuff – blood). When the nurse turned her back I did whip out my phone and manage to nab a few pictures. My trusty assistant also managed to get one as well so here they are.

Well just over half an hour later, and a quick wiggle of the needle to get the last little bits out, I had successfully lost my blood donating virginity. Bang Bang. 450ml of body temperature (yes she did allow me to touch it) blood was being shipped off to save someone’s life. What a good RAOK that is.

In other news (yes I have used that line before but I couldn’t think of anything else).

Random Act of Kindness No. 30 - Find the most obscure charity you can – one that probably makes about a fiver a year – and donate a few quid.

So, I had a look at some obscure charities on the Internet and it is amazing what is out there (do I sound like an old man when I say that?), but I ended up donating to something I had been meaning to for a while.

My brother is running the London Marathon in April, and I have been meaning to sponsor him for sometime. He obviously knew this so sent a nice little reminded to all his friends say “hey, please sponsor me”, he is running it in aid of the Royal National Institute of the Blind (RNIB). Quite a worthy cause I believe. He has certainly been putting in the effort with training and has somehow managed to get me involved and signed us both up to run the Great North Run later in the year. He thinks he will beat me…yeah game on sonny Jim. Anyway I went onto his virgin justgiving page and parted with £20 of the finest English sterling. A good deed I believe.

Now, I don’t want to appear as though I am promoting certain things, product placement or whatever, but if you would like to sponsor my brother please click HERE and pledge as little or as much as you like. He hasn’t asked me to do this and doesn’t know I am, so it would be awesome if just a few followers, or Joinees could donate a couple of pound here and there. Awesome, thank you very much.

Very good, well that is RAOK No, 30 done, and 20 finally completed. I hope you are still enjoying my blog and not finding it boring or too samy – is that a word- samy, samie, sammie, samey. Ya get me? It is of paramount importance that ya get me. I think you do. If you don’t let me know.

Nice one. Thank you, check back tomorrow for the latest update in Williams Wonderful World.

Oh also, just before I go, the girl I sent the card to has received it today and sent me a text message, you may think I am making this up but honest I am not. She said “Your card just made my day a million times better! J Love You xx”

Oh yeah she did. Here is a screen print just to prove it. That makes me happy.

GOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAALLLLLLLLL

Random Act of Kindness No.29 – At a sports day, cheer for someone you blatantly don’t know.

So, when I was younger it would have been easy to cheer for someone I blatantly don’t know. In fact I think I used to do that anyway, just to try and be funny. However, now I don’t really know when sports days happen or a school where I could go and watch and not look weird.

I actually decided to do this RAOK yesterday alongside the other one. I knew on a Sunday the local football team was playing. My housemate and I were going out shopping and on the way back we took a slight diversion to see the football game.

We stood on the side watching both sides play trying to figure out who was who. Whilst we were still debating whom the home side was one of the teams scored. When the ball hit the back of the net, I jumped up and down cheering. “Yeeeeaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh, GOOOOOOOAAAAAl. Nice one Felix. Crackin’ goal. Gooooo Feeeeelix”

Now I don’t know if this guy was called Felix but it was the first name that popped into my head. On reflection, he didn’t look like a Felix. I did have a few strange looks. I don’t know if that was because it was the away team that just scored or whether people wondered who the hell this strange boy is shouting at Jermaine calling him Felix. I still don’t know.

We decided to hang around for a little longer and I am pleased we did. Because this was an epic game of football. Goal after goal, the ball going from one end to the other. It was immense. After every goal, I did my own sideline celebration, shouting “GOOOOOAAAAL” and a random name.

“GOAL, Johnson, you legend”

“GOOOO Patrick”

“Yes Boy in the back of the net Wallis”

“Mr Peckoooooooooo what a goal”

You get the idea. After a while the other supporters started to move away, to the other side of the pitch. That’s when we decided to call it a day. We headed back to the Peckham Palace, and had a well deserved tea and biscuit after our energetic supporting.

Now tomorrow I am giving blood. At 15.20 I will be hooked up giving away some high quality blood. I hear people have been turned away because they do not have enough iron in their blood to donate. To overcome this, today I have taken on an iron rich diet. For breakfast, I had liver pate on toast. For a little snack I had some Hazelnuts. On the menu for lunch was Liver, with mash potatoes, and for dinner I have got a crackin’ steak sitting in the fridge. With my steak I am going to make some homemade chips. To make them extra crispy I splashed out on some goose fat to ensure a crispy exterior and a tender inside. Hmmmm. B-E-A-U-TIFUL.

Hopefully I will get a video of me giving blood. So check back tomorrow and see how I got on.

"Great people talk about ideas. Small people talk about others"

I understand I was meant to upload this yesterday, however, due to a tense 80 minutes watching England vs Scotland in the Six Nations, and a couple of French people over on holiday, I got distract with beer and foie gras. So please accept my apologies. It was also a Sunday, traditionally a day of rest so I think I can be let off.

Random Act of Kindness No. 28 – Say something nice about someone behind their back.

I generally don’t say anything about anyone I wouldn’t say to their face. Occasionally this does get me into a bit of strife. Nonetheless, I think it is a good philosophy to follow. Today, I decided to say lots of nice things behind peoples back.

Now I am going to list all the nice things I said but I am going to hide the names of the people they were about with these *. Every letter of their name with be designated a *. Therefore, people can try and match their names to the nice thing I said behind their back. If you think it is you, send me a message and I will let you know if you’re right.

So without further ado, let the compliments commence,

• 1. It was really good of  *** and ******* to pop round for a cup of tea. They both looked really happy
• 2.     ***** is such a nice girl. I have many good memories of those days.
• 3.     I had a really good chat with ***** on the phone yesterday. It was great to hear from her.
• 4.     Once you get ***** working he is amazing. Some of the stuff he comes up with is incredible.
• 5.     ******** is the closest thing to a living genius I know.
• 6.     It will be so good when *** and *** get married. I hope they do soon.
• 7.     ***** bless him, he is such a kind person. I hope he is alright.
• 8.     Even though I don’t speak to *** much now. He is still one of my best friends. Can’t wait to see him soon.

And there we have it. The 8 nice things I said about people behind their backs. If you think you know who any of them are, let me know.

It’s like a little game…isn’t this fun.

Anyone can catch your eye, but it takes someone special to catch your heart

Random Act of Kindness No. 27 – Send a Valentines card to the ugliest person you know.

Today’s date is the 12^th March, not the 14^th of February. Hmmm.

The other day, a friend of mine sent me a text message. She said was feeling completely bogged down and miserable at the moment because of her University work and in her words – “soppy moment here…I miss you”. She goes to University up north so I don’t get to see her much. We used to go to the same school as each other and spend everyday together. Nowadays we only really see each other during the holidays, even then not much as she is always off diving or holidaying somewhere.

When I saw my RAOK today I thought I should send my friend who sent me that text message a little card, and in that card a little poster, and on that poster a a little message, and that message will be – of course, “Smile, today wasn’t so bad” (thanks Emily for the idea).

This RAOK is far better considering the time of year and regarding my friend’s message. I am not mentioning who this friend is yet. I will wait until she gets the card and then hopefully will visit my blog and let us all know.

No expense was spared on the card as you can see…

Whilst I was writing in the card and making the little poster, I was listening to this song. I think it is really nice and thought I should share it with you all. Made me feel all fluffy and happy.

If you go down to the lake today, you are in for a big surprise

Right, first up I would like to apologise for the bad camera work. I’m not quite sure what happened. It has gone all stretch and the wrong way round. Whilst editing I couldn’t find the rotate button either so could do nothing about it.

I hope you still get the idea. Maybe turn your head or the computer screen when it goes the wrong way up. That’s what I did. It’s kinda nice. I liked it.

Anyway check out the video and find out about today’s Random Act of Kindness.

Peace and Love \ / (yeah that’s meant to be the peace sign – cool hey)

A crackling good time

Random Act of Kindness No. 25 – If you see an old person struggling in a supermarket, help them do their shopping.

Well those who read my blog yesterday will know I came back to the smell the roses of Warwickshire. Two of my brothers have a rare bread Tamworth pig farm and Thursday is a busy day. One of the brothers was down in London prancing around in make-up and in front of cameras as he is taking part in Britain’s Best Dish. So I got drafted in to make up the work force. I therefore didn’t get to spend much time in a supermarket to help an old person. And I hate supermarkets anyway. So I decided my RAOK for today, would be to help my brothers out for free, for a whole day.

And that is what I did.

BANG BANG BANG BANG. Yep that will be my bedroom door at 6.00am this morning. Nice wake up call from my brother there. Once my eyes managed to stay open by their own accord – after a couple of shots of coffee - I braved the outdoors to go and feed the grunters (as Garry, the main butcher calls them).

This is the mean machine that I fed the pigs on this morning, fully loaded with the feed.

I decided I would take my time feeding this morning. It was a tactic I am sure my other brother uses. The idea is, if you feed the pigs slowly on a Thursday morning, you arrive up at the butchery when they have already got into the swing of things. So I decided to take some pictures to put up on here to show you. This is the view from the gate entrance.

Here is a picture of the oldest sows on the farm Rebecca and Amie, enjoying their breakfast with their little ones. (Amie is camera shy but Rebecca laps up the fame).

This picture is Lucy’s little porkers. This sow was named after my house mate Lucy. It is a great honour to have a sow named after you. Only special people have achieved such status…there is a long waiting list.

After taking my time with the feeding I did, eventually, head up to the butchery. My brother Jon, and Garry were in full swing. I think I had taken just a little too long this morning – oops. Never mind I hopped to it and cracked on.

After mainly standing in front of the vac-packing machine all morning, Garry gave me a crash course on how to tie the sausages – check these bad boy bangers out!

Soon it was lunchtime and as the new boy I was in charge of cracking out some lunch. Freshly made pork burgers, or freshly made pork burgers were on the menu. So I got to it. Molded some minced pork into burger shapes and hey presto, some seriously tasty pork burgers. Crackin’. (Sorry Lakshmi, I promised I wouldn’t use that word again).

Well after a short lunch break it was back to work. Slicing bacon, packing chops, hanging hams, and yes, the washing up. B-E-A-UTIFUL.

I was then told to go and do the evening feed. I also had to do some bedding down so it was a large load on the way to the field. Check out the mean machine this time round…

Rightyo, that was my RAOK for the day. Not the one actually stated in the book, but I am sure you can all understand that kindness starts at home. Who would I be if I couldn’t help my brothers out once in a while?

I also bought a Stratford-Upon-Avon Herald today and sadly they haven't published my letter. I am going to write to them tomorrow and ask jolly well why not!